[SATIRE] Navy Submarines Will Be Equipped With Reflective Belts to Prevent More Collisions

Official U.S. Navy Page via Flickr

NAVAL BASE KITSAP, Wash. – After a month-long investigation into the collision of the USS Connecticut with an undersea mountain, an independent safety board has recommended that all Navy submarines be equipped with reflective belts.

“Obviously the Navy’s safety protocols were falling short, so we had to put a little Army in it,” said Army Col. Tom Maynard, head of the safety board. Maynard was given the lead role in the naval investigation as part of a pilot program to increase force diversity and innovation through joint operations.

The recommendation was met with immediate pushback from Navy personnel.

“The USS Connecticut ran into a goddamn mountain. How is a reflective belt going to fix that?” asked Navy Seaman Martin May, who was aboard the submarine during the collision. “Now I’m dry docked while some air-breather fits my boat with a giant glowing cock ring.”

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